


Worth It

by kho



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Episode Related, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Steve Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-05
Updated: 2016-09-05
Packaged: 2018-08-13 07:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7968097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kho/pseuds/kho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(post liver transplant) Steve reaches up to cover his face, scrubs at it and tries to think of how to put this into words.  Tries to think how to even begin to tell him what’s going on with him.   “Ever since the surgery I’ve felt…. I feel… I just, feel.”  Danny’s snort is ugly and bitter.  “Congratulations, Steven, you’re a human fucking being.  You feel.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worth It

“You gonna tell me what’s going on?”

Steve looks out at the ocean, itches to get in there, swim til his arms want to fall off.  Thinks if maybe his stitches didn’t itch, if he hadn’t pulled them this morning when he tried to do sit ups and actually bled a little.  Maybe if he wasn’t so fucking tired from walking out to these damn chairs.

“Nothing Danny.”

“Bullshit.”

“What, bullshit.  Bullshit, bullshit.”

Danny sighs loudly, kicks his legs out, props one ankle on top of the other.  Steve’s hand closes around an invisible beer, he can feel it missing like a physical thing.  So used to sitting out here with Danny, having a few beers, shooting the shit, watching the sun set, watching the waves.

“You won’t look at me when you talk to me.  You’re saying all the right things, all the normal things, like nothing’s changed, but I’m not dumb.  Steve… will you please look at me?”

Steve glances over, gives Danny a confused frown.  “What are you talking about?  I look at you all the time.”

Danny catches his eyes for a moment and Steve looks away, gut twisting at Danny’s affronted snort.  “True.  No, it is true, Steven, you do look at me.  I do notice you looking at me.  Not when I’m looking at you though.  When I’m watching Gracie swim, you look at me.  When I’m on the phone, you look at me.  When I’m talking to someone else, you look at me.  But the second it’s me and you, having an actual fucking conversation, you look at everything _but_ me.”

Steve scrubs a hand over his face and shakes his head.  “Danny don’t be ridiculous.”

“We have matching scars,” Danny says after a silence.  Quiet, quiet enough Steve’s not even sure he heard him correctly.  “Do you see this?  Look at me,Steve.   _I said look, God damnit!_ ”

Steve looked over to see Danny pulling his shirt up to reveal the ugly, barbaric-looking, boomerang shaped counterpoint to the one on Steve’s own torso.  He puts a hand to his own absently and thinks _this is what Danny’s feels like_ and he jerks his hand down to his side.  “I look in the mirror every morning, Danny.  I know what it looks like.”

Meeting Danny’s eyes is hard, it’s almost impossible, but he makes himself do it now.  Finally.  Because Danny’s right.  Of course Danny’s right.  Danny’s always right when it comes to Steve.

“What’s going on with you,” Danny asks, the anger giving way to something more akin to sadness and it makes Steve feel guilty as hell.

“I don’t know how to be around you,” he says finally, shrugging.

“What are you talking about,” Danny asks, his hands flailing out, hitting Steve with the back of his hand in the shoulder.  “That doesn’t even make sense!”

“I don’t _know_ Danny, okay, I don’t…”  Steve throws his hands up, looks up at the slowly darkening sky as dusk settles.  “It’s easier with the others.  Kono.  Chin.  Lou.  But with you I don’t… I don’t know how to--”

“Wow,” Danny says, and Steve glances over to see Danny’s jaw work, his teeth grind.  Hands grip into the arm rests.  “That makes me feel really, really good, Steve.  Appreciated.  I mean it, I’m touched.  It… it _warms_ me.”

Steve reaches up to cover his face, scrubs at it and tries to think of how to put this into words.  Tries to think how to even begin to tell him what’s going on with him.   “Ever since the surgery I’ve felt…. I feel… I just, feel.”

Danny’s snort is ugly and bitter.  “Congratulations, Steven, you’re a human fucking being.  You feel.”

“I wasn’t made like you, Danny,” Steve grits out, because he’s tired of saying this.  They’ve been here before.  They’ve had this conversation.  “My family, the men in my family, we don’t talk about things, men don’t…   And I’m just, I’m a mess right now, Danny.  I’m emotionally in a spin cycle, I don’t… I don’t even know left from right right now.”

Danny blew out a breath and then leaned forward.  “I had a part of me taken out.  It’s inside of you.  I have fucking feelings about it too, Steven,” he says, gritting his teeth.  “And you, the way you’re being, the way you’re acting…”  He pauses and Steve looks over at him to see him shake his head, blinking a few times rapidly.  “It’s making me feel really fucking unappreciated, because it’s like…. It’s like I gave you my liver and now you don’t want anything at all to do with me.  It hurts.”

Steve hangs his head forward and feels absolutely like a sack of shit.  “I’m sorry, Danny.”

“I don’t want your apology,” Danny yells.  “I want you to knock it off!”

“Why?"

Danny’s frown deepens.  “Why?  Why do I want you to knock it off?”

“Why’d you do it,” Steve asks, staring out at the ocean.  He fucking _aches_ for a beer.  No.  Scotch.  Something.  Anything.  Anything hard enough to knock the fucking edge off that he’s been teetering on for the past two months.  “Why’d you… you didn’t have to do it.”

He can feel Danny’s eyes boring tiny angry holes into the side of his face.  “Why did I do what, why did I give you my liver?  You know…  I don’t really know, Steven, I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, you’re right.  Of course you’re right, I should’ve sat there with everyone else and just waited for them to find a match, maybe played some tetris on my phone.  Angry birds.  Poopy Penguin.  Just sat there and waited, because why would I possibly want to give you _my_ liver, right out of my fucking body.”

“Yeah,” Steve yells, spreading his hands out.  “Yes, Danny, I’m asking why.  Why!  There could have been complications.  You could have died on the table, you could’ve gotten an infection, you could’ve…” He shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.  “You were fine, Danny, you were fine, a few weeks and you woulda been fine.  Broken ribs, that’s it.  But instead you… and you made it my fault,” he says, finally looking at him.  “Months of recovery, you under anesthesia.  They took half your….  And Grace in the waiting room wondering if her Dad’s gonna be okay, for _me_ .  Because of _me_ .  Why did you… why would you _do_ that?”

Danny’s eyes shine at him as he blinks and shakes his head.  “Yeah.  Yeah.  I could’ve.  All manner of things could’ve happened.  Infection.  Anesthesia.  Fucking MRSA, yeah,” he says, voice quiet.  “Could’ve.  Why’d I do it? Cuz I don’t, and you _die_.  Got it?”

Steve looks away again.  “You don’t know that.  There were other… I could’ve gotten another liver.  Someone else’s liver.”

“God, get over it,” Danny yells.  “Of course I gave you my liver, I’d do it again!  Liver, kidney, lung, whatever the fuck you need Steven, if I have it to give, it’s yours,” he yells, leaning forward and grabbing Steve’s arm, jerking at it.  “Get over it!”

“I don’t know what to do with that, Danny,” Steve yells back, jerking his arm out of Danny’s grasp.  “I’ve never had somebody want me to stay so bad they gave me a _part_ of themselves.”  He stands, almost stumbles a little but jerks himself away when Danny reaches out to steady him.  “I’ve always been disposable!  My mom killed herself to get away from me, and then ran to do it again.  My dad shipped me off to the mainland like I was something you can just…. Throw away.  Out of sight, out of mind.  And I know why, okay, I know why now, but Danny it…  it still...”  

Danny watches him, he doesn’t have to face him to know that.  When he finally does look at him Danny’s looking up at him with a look angry enough it would make bigger men than Steve shrink.  “I am neither of those people,” he says.  “I stayed.  I _stayed_ for you.”

Steve rolls his eyes up.  “Danny.”

“I let Rachel fly off with Gracie to New Jersey without me to stay for you.  I went to court to fight Rachel to stay for you.  I _stayed_.  Don’t you trust me by now?”

He looks over at Danny and watches wearily as Danny stands up and walks towards him.  “It’s not that I don’t trust you.”

“I am neither of those people,” Danny says, wrapping his fingers around Steve’s bicep.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry that what they did damaged you, that it hurt you, that it shaped you in ways that…”  He breaks off, stepping closer.  “You are worth it.  You’re worth staying for, and you’re worth saving.  You are worth following into burning buildings, getting shot at, going under the knife for.  You are _worth my liver_ , Steven.”

Steve clenches his jaw and his hands fist at his sides but Danny’s hand is warm on his arm and he feels like maybe, given enough time, it’ll warm him all the way through.  “Am I?”

“I could smack you,” Danny says, but he smiles just the slightest bit and lets go of Steve’s arm only to grab him by the shoulders.  He turns him to face him more squarely.  “Listen to me.  I.  Love.  You.  Yes, you are worth it!”

Steve looks down, unable to look Danny in the eyes as he swallows over the lump in his throat.  “I love you too, Danny.”

“Good then it’s mutual,” Danny says, and smacks Steve on the cheek lightly with an open hand.  “Now come on.  Knock this other bullshit off and let’s go watch a game or something.”

“Hey Danny,” Steve says as Danny turns to walk back towards the house, looking up at him.  “You know, right?”  He swallows again, clearing his throat.  “That you’re worth it too?”

Danny grins, that big old ear to ear 100 megawatt smile that lights up every dark part of Steve’s heart every single time he sees it, and holds out his arms.  “Oh I know.  You don’t gotta tell me!  I know.”

Steve grins and laughs, shaking his head.  “Go find a game already, I’ll be in in a minute.”

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr here under [@lovethesnark](http://lovethesnark.tumblr.com). 
> 
> Fanfiction Website  
> MOST of my fic is not on AO3, though all of my H5O and beyond is as AO3 didn't exist yet and it was too much to archive. It can be found on my website at [LoveTheSnark.com](http://www.lovethesnark.com).


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